Tuesday, January 16, 2018

The Big D

   Normally I'd reserve that header for some sort of hilarious "that's what she said" joke but no such luck this time..... It's been a while and to be perfectly honest, my heart and brain have not been in a space where I wanted to think about my current situation let alone write about it. The weirdest part for me is trying to figure out how to refer to him in this weird limbo place that we are in. Is he still my husband, my kids' father, my ex, my soon-to-be ex, what the heck is he right now? The crazy part is that along with this separation and impending divorce I've had these insane moments of total calm and deep thought that I've never experienced before. I will be crying my eyes out, posting on the book of face about my beautiful baby girl's birthday and then get a notification from a member of my Warrior Village that he's posted more slander and hate on the internet or sent another death threat or is texting more venom to someone I love and then in a flash, I feel pain and sadness but not for me, for him. The farther I get away from him and the more time I spend among the sane and stable I'm seeing a pattern in him that makes me truly sad. This man is completely incapable of accepting fault or seeing any wrong doing in his actions, no matter how heinous they are and no matter who they hurt. He is truly incapable of taking ownership of his choices and decisions and the sickest part to me is that though I hope that this was triggered by his mental breakdown and loss of his job and possible drug use, my heart knows that it's just an addict spiraling out of control to his rock bottom. An addict now on his own, making decisions on his own which he hasn't done in over a decade, not being able to think a step ahead or exhibit any sort of self control or forethought. An addict blaming all of the outcomes of these decisions on me, always on me. 

  For a long time I did what I thought was right, I hid the truth, let him isolate me, made excuses for not being able to attend functions and enabled the beast inside of him. His love affair with alcohol poisoned our relationship so much that I eventually got so numb I just didn't care anymore. I found ways to stay out of the house as long as I could, avoided him at all costs, stopped making eye contact with him and eventually felt so invisible in my life that I thought I would never ever be able to get out. I never thought that the man I married would or even could become this monster that is lurking in the shadows, threatening my loved ones, demanding money or else and waging a full scale social media smear campaign against me. I never thought I'd be filing for a domestic violence restraining order or receiving pictures of guns and menacing threats at 3 am. I never thought he'd use our children as pawns, or try to lie and turn them against me. I never thought I'd be 35, with two kids and heading into a full scale, no boundaries war with the man I loved. 

  But it happened and now it's my goal to get through this on my level and my terms. I refuse to trash talk him or treat him like crap or disrespect his time or insult his family. That is not ME. Granted I'm still trying to remember who I am but I'm taking the high road. As my friend wisely said," he can't get your goat unless he knows where it's tied." Wise words my friend and my new mantra for the indefinite future. 


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